If you think the Mayans and their wacky prophesies are a "Gas, Gas, Gas", then you'll also be undoubtedly impressed by my recent conclusion... I hereby decree that we've come to the point in our evolutionary slog from amoeba to bigger, sloppier amoebas - that human beings must universally hate each other.

What else could rationally explain the malaise and disinterest that slips over us, whether we're on the subway, in our vehicles, sitting in our offices or in our living rooms? We don't communicate face-to-face anymore. And the lessening of any primordial desire to do so can only indicate that we despise each other so much, that we'd rather become lost in our small selves than actually be part of society at large.

Thanks to powerful little smartphones that entertain us significantly more than another human ever could, we tragically meander through life shackled to tiny devices that really don't love us (no matter how many times Siri tells me she does). With our newfound ability to fully check out of society, we no longer have to even acknowledge the poor buffoon sitting next to us on the subway who simply wants to use his vocal chords to connect with a fellow human by uttering some reverberating jibber-jabber through the twin infoldings of mucous membrane stretched horizontally across his larynx.

Where neanderthals used to enjoy each others' company by carelessly uttering nonsense about their meaningless lives and pursuits, now thanks to some noise-cancelling Beats and Vimeo, our private entertainment bliss is endless. Put your head down, tune out and bury yourself in bright, sparkly pixels. Enjoy the blissful ignorance of your surroundings.

I am the magnificent Emperor of the Sidewalk. Don't mind me, I'll be that asshole typing a text message while walking headfirst into a monstrous, deadly bear...

Dave Fletcher is the Executive Director at The Mechanism. No humans were ignored or harmed during the creation of this piece, despite the fact it was written on an iPhone during a subway ride. Dave has never texted while walking, running, driving, walking into bears or thinking about Mayans.